My Wall Builder

It has been over a year since I last wrote something down here. Some of that has to do with being lazy, not knowing what to say or how to say it, and really just forgetting because I'm busy doing mom things. Since I last wrote, much has not changed in the church home search. I think we have been to 3 different churches since then, but we have been attending one church for the past few months which I believe is the longest of any church we have attended. Since we haven't really been established in that area of our lives, I still basically have no friends. That's still something I am doing my best to work through and it's not like I know no one but I don't have a group or a few ladies I hang out with on some kind of regular basis. All of the emotions and questions I have that come with that are for another time though. 

Today I am writing about this little guy and all of the lessons I am being taught by him.

When I had my son, I knew that being a parent was going to be hard work but I couldn't have imagined how hard it was really going to be. When we moved back to California, Nehemiah had a hard time adjusting because it was a big move and Ohio was all he knew. Plus, being completely out of his normal routine really wasn't helping. It wasn't until we finally moved into our home and got back to normal that things started to get better, that is until he started school. When I pictured my son going to school, I thought, this is going to be great. He's going to sleep better because he has to wake up early, I'm going to have a little break with just my daughter at home for few hours, and school is just going to be be great because he will have his play time and be around other kids his age. That was not my reality. Within the first week, not only did I receive a comment from another parent, I also got a call from the principal. I cried, a lot. I still cry a lot. 

As much as Nehemiah loves school, it's almost an enemy of his because pretty much everything about school works against how his mind works. For example, he needs to move. I would say almost all the time, he needs to be moving. It's funny because I would always hear comments from people saying, well most kids are like that. That is true, but it's different for my son. It became very apparent how much he needed to move when I would attend class (with daughter in tow) and watch how he was the only one moving a lot at carpet time or any other time for that matter. My son is also loud, he makes noises that he can't help but make and guess what? That's not good for school either because it's a distraction. He's also impulsive so you can imagine how that really doesn't help in the classroom. 

I remember when I would come to class and watch him and get so upset with him because what he was doing at school he wasn't doing at home, but then I realized it's because school is very different' from home. At home, he doesn't need to sit and be still for long periods of time. At home there aren't 27 other kids running around (yes, I said 27). At home, it's quiet, there aren't many things to grab his attention and keep him from focusing on schoolwork. When I would go to class it would help his behavior some but it was obvious that he couldn't help some of the things he was doing so it wasn't a matter of him just acting out. I quickly became the parent who felt like all the other parents were judging her. I say that because I have been that parent. "If only they did this" or "He needs to get his behind whooped" is what I would say when I would see a child acting out or I would think that the parent didn't discipline their child at all. I rarely think that anymore when I see a child behaving a certain way because I KNOW what we have done in our home to help correct my child's behavior at school. You would not believe everything we have tried and I'm not saying that it never worked but nothing has ever worked long term. It's exhausting and frustrating because you know you need to discipline your child for certain things but I also know that whatever the discipline is, it will not prevent him from doing the same thing the next day. 

For a little bit of time after Christmas break, things seem to be taken a turn for the better but then something happen before spring break and from then on until the school year was over, it was absolutely the hardest months we have ever had in parenting our son. I don't know what happened but he began to have a lot of anger outbursts and extreme meltdowns. I cried out so much to God during this time. I can remember specifically crying while taking a shower. I just broke down and sobbed because we had no clue what to do to help our son. I knew it was bad when my husband finally broke down. We began taking him to see a therapist the latter part of the school year and throughout the summer and I do feel like that helped (and it is still helping). 

You can imagine how happy I was when school was out, I was relieved to have gotten through the school year. The first half of summer was rough because his anger was now showing itself at home and not just the classroom. The last half of summer was better and 1st grade was around the corner and I was anxious, plus my husband was gone for work so that didn't help with my anxiety. Thankfully, after speaking with the principal and his new teacher my anxiousness was calmed down. The first 3 weeks of school was like heaven (not really, but you get the point). I mean seriously,  I was just thanking the Lord and praising Him for the progress and I thought maybe it was just a kindergarten thing. That honeymoon moment didn't last though. Soon it became very apparent that something else was going on with my son. I don't want to make it sound like my child is this tyrant because he's not. The reality of it is he will have good days but a really bad moment in that good day. He's actually a pretty smart kid, creative, funny, and sweet. It's just that with his mind and the way school is set up, it works against him.  I can't tell you how many times he has said he wants to do right or has cried because he thinks he's a bad kid. It's heartbreaking to see him really trying to conform and he just can't. The blessing I have seen in first grade, is that even though he's having moments in class, they aren't as bad as last year and his teacher has A LOT to do with that. She is literally a God send. She loves him so much and wants nothing but the best for him and does everything she can do to help him succeed in class. Plus, she actually prays for him and I'm all about that. We talk regularly and she even keeps in touch with him when school is out. If it wasn't for her, I'm sure the 1st half of this year would have been very different. Prayerfully, before school is over Nehemiah will have a school plan in place that will carry on with his future teachers so that they will know how to help him in class. 

If you are wondering if we have ever taken my son to see a doctor, we have. He has seen his own pediatrician plenty of times and recently saw a neurologist. Some of what the neurologist said, I agree with and some I don't so we are hoping to get a second opinion. Regardless, it is very clear that something is going on with him. I know that certain people don't like labels being put on their kids but sometimes you need those labels so that other people can get with the program and honestly so that you can stop living in denial and get with the program. One label that my son clearly has is, tic disorder. That's probably the hardest for me to watch and I have cried a few times about that because it clearly bothers him but there's nothing we can do about that. That's probably the hardest thing about all of this, is feeling hopeless because a lot of what's happening is out of your control.

At the beginning of this I said I was writing to talk about the lessons my son has taught me. I decided to open up about what's been going on with him because I want other parents to know that they aren't alone. Some people don't talk about things because they feel ashamed or that it's their fault but I know I am a good mom and my husband is a good father and we are doing what we can to help our child. So many people are too busy pretending and that's not healthy for you or for other people because it makes them feel like they need to live up to some sort of parenting expectation and uhhhhh that ain't happening lol. I also wanted to open up to show how what is going on with him is being used to transform me. For the longest time I use to try and change my son but it's really me who needed to change. I don't want that to sound like my child just gets to do whatever he wants because he doesn't. I mean that I need to change how I react to what's clearly beyond his control. 

If you aren't familiar with the story of Nehemiah in the Bible, long story short, he helps to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. The other night while I was having one of many talks with the Lord about my Nehemiah, He revealed to me that Nehemiah is my wall builder. All my ways of thinking how things should be or how I need to handle things (my wall) were knocked down when Nehemiah started school and every situation that has come our way since then is a stone or brick, if I may, that is helping to rebuild the way I love, the way I trust, the way I handle a bad situation, the way I speak to someone, the way I parent, the way I look at other parents, the way I care, the way I spend my time, the way I look at other kids, the way I judge, the way I pray....the list goes on and it will continue to go on as long as the Lord allows it. Is it going to suck at times? Yep. Will I get it right every time? Uh, no!! It is all for my good? Yes!! It is really hard to get through the storm especially when it seems like it is going to last a while, but I know and believe that the Lord cares and wouldn't allow all of this if He didn't love me and wanted me to grow. I'm thankful He wants to keep working on me. These new stones may come with some pain but I know in the long run my wall is worth it. My son is worth it. 

A whole new world

I'm not sure if the title of this post is the best one, but it's what popped in my head to sum up how this last move has made me feel. Since my last post my family has moved back to where I spent the majority of my life, California. We have been here for 5 months and I always get asked how it's going? The answer to that question is, it's been rough. Like our last move we aren't on a base so making friends can sometimes take a little longer than usual but this wasn't the case in Ohio. If you've read my previous post you know that we were blessed to find a church quickly that gave us a beautiful group of friends. That hasn't been the case here. We are still looking for a church home. I thought by now we would have found one that we just click with, but I'm realizing now that that may not be the case.  We have been attending a church regularly that's been "doing the job", but we still don't know if that's the church for us. The other day, I just called out to the Lord and just asked for Him to finally show us where we should be because I don't have a clue. I'm not sure how soon He will show us. For all I know He could be using this time (I'm sure He is) to teach us to depend on Him more and not try to have things on a timeline of how long we should be looking for a church. It's hard waiting to find a church. Five months may not seem like a long time to some people, but for me it is, especially when the time we have here is limited. Our time in Ohio went by really fast and we are suppose to be here for the same amount of time so getting settled for me is kind of a big deal.

 For obvious reasons finding a church is important, but for me it's usually where I find my friends. My husband gets to talk to adults almost every day and I talk to little children because I stay at home with my kids. I'm glad I get to stay home with them, but every stay at home mom knows they need some adult conversation every once in a while. I do know a couple of people here, but I still have not been able to really get connected with people. Part of the problem is me though. I have trouble reaching out sometimes because I'm just weird like that. You know how sometimes you dread making a phone call cause you have no idea what you are going to say, that's me like all the time. If someone reaches out to me it's completely different, I'm more at ease. I know this is obviously something the Lord is trying to change about me because I can't depend on people to always reach out to me because for all I know they can be anxious like me about it. That's why finding a church usually helps the friend making process easier because when you visit, people are usually reaching out to you, but here that hasn't been the case either. I don't know if it's because the churches we have visited have multiple services so there's no time to visit, but we haven't really been able to meet people like we have before. I guess our last church spoiled us in that area because we felt like family with them early on. 

It may seem that I have put all my happiness on finding a church but I don't think people really realize how much they need people in their life. I don't need hundreds of friends but I do need a few in my life. A few weeks back I was wondering why I was feeling down and then I listened to my brother from another mother's message on Community and everything clicked for me. You can listen to it here.

This message was something that I already knew but hearing it at this moment of my life really me aware of how I need community in my life. Again, if you have read previous posts, you also know that I am not very good at expressing my emotions so to say that I need people in my life is a big deal. I'm thankful that the older I get the more the Lord is making me aware of certain things, but man, it can be hard to change when you have been the same way for so long.  He's teaching me it's okay to need people in my life, but He's also teaching me that ultimately my contentment needs to rest in Him. Sure it's great to have friends and hang out, but the reality of it is, I can live here the whole time and not have any close relationships with anyone. I need to learn that how I feel should not rest on what I don't have, how many friends I have, or what I think I'm missing. Social media can play some serious mind tricks on you and make you believe that you are less than or you're not living the good life, but in reality I know that a lot of what you see online is just a front and a lot of people are going through the same things I am going through, they just don't talk about it. Well, I am talking about it! Hiding things only makes how you feel worse and can potentially make other people feel like they don't have it altogether. I do not have it altogether. I am a mess at times and since I have been back here I have felt lonely and frustrated. Frustrated because I haven't found a church, my son has been having trouble in school (that's a whole other post on it's own), I don't know if I am making the right parenting choices, my house is not put together like I want it, I'm constantly battling the same sin in my life and nothing just seems to be in order. Through this frustration though it's where I have learned that most of what I get upset about doesn't matter and my focus needs to be on the Lord and I need to totally depend on Him for contentment and the direction of my life. The only way I am going to grow is through trials. You can't grow if everything in your life is going perfect. It is no fun going through it but I have to remind myself that this is for my good and all it's really doing is drawing me closer to Him (which is definitely for my good)!! God is for me, He is not against me. He is helping me to see what the GOOD life really is.

So I may be in a slightly new world here in California, but I still have the SAME God on my side and I have to remember that He is always here for me. I can cry out to Him about anything. He will always be my friend and He is the only one that can truly satisfy me. Well behaved children, girlfriends, a fantastic home, money, the perfect church (newsflash, there isn't one) those things will not truly satisfy like He will. I just need to fight every day to remember that, so be kind and pray for a sista cause I sho' nuff need it!! Thanks :)

I.G.N.I.T.E

Well, it has been quite some time since I have written anything down on here, but I guess that comes with the territory when you are keeping up with two children instead of one and you are preparing for a move. Plus, I like to write when something has got me really thinking and not to write just to say something. So, I've been thinking a lot lately about my time in Ohio and how it has greatly affected my walk with Christ and the people in the photo above (a few are missing) have A LOT to do with it. PJ and I started going to our church maybe a couple months after we arrived in Ohio and a HUGE reason why we stayed was because of this group of young adults. Until going to this church, it was rare for us to be around people our age with and without kids that really loved the Lord. Of course I knew young adults who went to church, but when I started hanging around this crew I noticed a big difference between them and other people I have come across that go to church. The biggest difference was when we talked about things going on in our life, the conversation all came back to God and what He may be doing in our lives or how we would see our sin affecting our relationship with God. Sometimes I would just sit there and listen to these people speak and think, man, this is AWESOME!!! Awesome because you don't see this very often. Seriously, when you are a believer of Christ it is hard to find friends who believe the same and actually CARE and stand by what they believe, in a world where the last thing people are concerned about is Jesus.  

PJ and I started attending Ignite classes on Sunday mornings and then my wonderful friend Katie asked me about coming to their book study nights at their home two Saturdays out of the month as well. I said yes, of course I would like to come. The first time I went to the book study I was a little bit lost because they were already in the middle of a book, but I was still able to somewhat participate in the discussions. My brother from another mother, Andrew, led the group and everyone else would just chime in. I remember sitting there thinking that this group was out of my league. I mean I was happy to be there but I felt dumb hahaha. I mean there was just some smart cookies in my group and plus the way they talked about the book we were studying and God was just like whoa!! Yeah, I just said that. It was just deep at times. Sometimes I didn't understand why things had to be so deep at times because hey, if God said to do it, we don't need any other reason cause uhhhhh he's God lol However, the more we talked the more things made a lot more sense to me, convicted me more, intrigued me more. I was just sucked in and thought man, where have you guys been all my life? I looked forward to going to Book Study every other week and having fellowship with my new friends. Plus, all the food and free babysitting was nice too lol It was just a great time to learn about God, each other and laugh and cry and ask questions without being judged. Oh man, it was delicious. Plus, after we finished discussions we would just hang out, sometimes until 1 in the morning and guess whose child was still up with us?  Mine, because he never gets tired haha. I just really loved it and grew sooooo much from our time together. I know my husband did as well and for that I am truly thankful because he hasn't been around other young men who love the Lord and care about His Word so that was great for him to be around. 

Sadly, our book study is no longer because EVERYONE LEFT hahaha, can you detect my anger? lol First it started with the Dolphs and the Bruggemans. The picture above was our last big hang out with them. We still had book study but then the Spinks left (punks lol) and so with the leader of our group leaving, book study was over. A good amount of us were still here but I think we all just knew no one could lead the group like Andrew cause he is pretty awesome. Besides, even though most of our group was still here, more were leaving. There are only 4 couples left and guess what? 3 of the 4 are moving in less than a week and of course, I'm in that group. Poor Jackie and Dave, they are the last remnant of our group, sorry guys. 

Anyways, I just wanted to write about this group because they seriously had a HUGE impact on our spiritual growth. We have grown so much from being around them and when book study was no longer we certainly felt the loss. The first few weeks of not having it I kept thinking, why are my Saturdays not busy anymore? I quickly realized why....sigh. I miss and will miss all of these people. We were able to meet with the last of us that are still here at our home before most of us move soon and it was just nice to have a final Saturday hang out and game time while kids were being watched. (thanks Lizzie) Just want all of you to know that I love you and I will always remember our sweet times together. I pray God is and will continue to work in your lives. I'm thankful He put all of you in ours. 

---------

So now I will say the first thing that pops in my head after thinking of each person in this group lol

Athena- my minority sister who laughs right along with me

Drew- wondering if he shakes his head at Athena like PJ when I laugh really loud

Ali- I have always thought you were such a beauty and had a sweet soul

John- You laughing so hard at what I wrote when playing Balderdash, that you were crying

Tim- The Soul Piano Man, I want to sing to your music

Emily- One of the friendliest people I know

Molly- You have the ability to start up a conversation with anyone, such a people person

Matt- Sometimes I had no clue what you were talking about, but I knew it was good lol also I still   

          can't believe you listened to DMX

Kelly- Sweet girl who always made some yummy desserts

Brad- you're not very good at psychiatrist lol

Kelsey- Starbucks runs before church, or stories about how forgot your coffee at home

Candace- Everything rocks your face off!! lol getting the chance to really talk at the ladies retreat

Emmanuel- Andrew always asking you after discussions, so is there anything you want to add

                    Emmanuel

Jackie- your willingness to open up during Book Study, even if that meant shedding a tear or two

Dave-has nothing to do with book study, but all of your potential shark tanks inventions lol

Adam (not pictured)- you my friend, are delicious, thank you for being an awesome friend to my

           husband and being a great influence in his life. I know he loves you.

Rachael (not pictured)- you are lovely and pretty funny

Dave S. (not pictutes)- you are a really sweet guy and always kind and playful with Peanut.

Andrew- My brother from another mother, rocking out at praise and worship rehearsals, powerful 

               speaker

Katie- you know how I feel about you, I love you.

PJ- You're my husband so I don't need to say anything about you hahaha just kidding...I love you, I'm 

       thankful for your willingness to be influenced by those who love the Lord

well that's it folks, thanks for reading......on another funny note, Jackie is pregnant in this picture taken two years ago and she's pregnant now lol

The Bernhoft Experience

Well, it has been quite some time since I have written anything. I'm sure that has something to do with the fact that I gave birth to my second child, Lyric Janelle. She is such a sweet chocolate chunk baby. I know moms say it all the time, but every time she smiles (and now she is starting to form a laugh) I forget about all the other crazy and difficult things that come with parenting. I am looking forward to watching her grow up and being crazy like her brother.

Speaking of her brother, a couple of years ago I recorded my son singing "Choices", by Jarle Bernhoft. If you don't know who that is, then you are missing out. He is pretty awesome and has an amazing voice. I found out about him through my sister. She was watching Ellen one day and saw him on there and because she knew I would like him, sent me links to a couple of videos of him singing. I watched them over and over again because I just thought it was pretty cool how he was his own band. Well if you know me, you know that I love music (I mean my daughter's name is Lyric) and I have passed that on to Nehemiah. He loves music. He loves it more than Teenage Mutant Ninja Turltes and that is a BIG deal. I discovered early on that Peanut picked up on music rather quickly. As a matter of fact, before we found Bernhoft, he was was singing Adele songs and knew her album 21, from start to finish. When I started listening to Bernhoft, Peanut didn't have a guitar. He would use a drumstick as his guitar so I decided to buy him a lil' one and from there we had a little star in the making. He would ask to listen to Bernhoft so I obliged and turned on YouTube, but soon he didn't even need the videos and would sing the songs on his own. I noticed he did it a lot and every now and then I would record him in little clips but one day I recorded him singing all of Choices and this is what he did...….

I was cracking up because it was hilarious. I also found it amazing that since he didn't have his own microphones he grabbed what looked like microphones to him. Peanut has always been pretty entertaining and I always got the, "You should put some videos on YouTube of him" statement, but I just didn't think to because who would actually look at it. However, this time I decided that maybe I should and if no one saw it then on well, but someone did see it, someone I never expected. I woke up a couple mornings after posting the video and when I turned on my phone I kept getting all these alerts that people commented on the video and I noticed that people kept saying Bernhoft sent me here and I was confused. I went on Facebook and saw in my news feed that Bernhoft, himself, posted Peanut's video on his page and he tweeted the link as well, see........

I could NOT believe it!!! I went to church and told everybody and showed them the video and of course they thought it was awesome. Later that day I posted on Bernhoft's page that it was my son who was in the video and guess what?? he replied back and said Peanut was a rock star and hoped to meet him one day. I mean how amazing is that??!!?? I just hoped one day we would be able to see him in concert.

A couple years had gone by and every time Bernhoft was on tour, it was too far away for us to meet him. The best we ever got was an autograph from him when our friends saw him in Seattle and he still remembered Peanut. I was sooooo jealous that my friends got to meet him, but happy he remembered Peanut. A few months go by and we found out that Bernhoft added more tour dates and he would be in Ann Arbor, MI which is not far from us. My husband and I were like, WE HAVE TO GO!!! The only issue was,  I just had a baby and we had no clue who would be able to watch the kids. I contemplated taking Peanut with us to the concert, but he is only 4 so who knows how that would work out. I mean he loves music, but he is still 4 and the concert wasn't until 8pm. Then I rememberd, a wonderful, sweet girl by the name of Claire. Claire was in our youth group at church (my husband and I are youth leaders), she graduated last year and now goes to school in Ann Arbor and she use to watch Peanut before and I knew she was great with babies so I took a stab in the dark and asked if she would be available that night and SHE WAS!!! This made us very happy, but we still didn't know if we should take Peanut to the concert. So I took another stab in the dark and messaged Bernhoft on Facebook. I mean, he wrote me back on my post a couple years back so maybe he might respond to my message......maybe....please respond. I asked if there was any way Peanut could meet him before the concert because I had a feeling he wouldn't sit through that whole concert and OH MY GOODNESS, he wrote back and said Yes!!! He said, "That'd be awesome and I'd love to meet up". He invited us to sound check!! When I read this, my jaw dropped!! I immediately told my friend Katie and she was very jealous and happy for us then when PJ came home I told him because I wanted to see his face and he said, "For real??, that dude is cool in my book". I mean he was already cool in our book when he posted Peanut's video, but this was taking his awesomeness to another level lol. 

So the time had come. November 18th was here and we were very excited to be meeting Bernhoft and going to his concert. Bernhoft let me know sound check would be at 5pm ahead of time so after getting some lunch we headed to The Ark venue. We were trying to find somewhere to park so I messaged him to let him know just in case he was wondering where we were since it was past 5. When we finally made it to the door, of course it was locked. I started to look up the number for the venue and BAM, Bernhoft messaged me and said to come to the back entrance and even gave me his phone number to call him (don't worry Bernhoft, I will never prank call you or give your phone number to anyone, I hate when people give out my number and I ain't even famous, awesome, but not famous so I would never do that to you). I called him, he led us to the door and I went to open it and there he was, Jarle Bernhoft!! I went to give him a handshake and he said "No, no, hug, hug". Oh man what a cool dude!! He saw Peanut said hello and told him he was his hero. As a mom, that was just awesome to hear. So I'm sure you all are wondering what Peanut said back to him, right?? Well, he said, "Carrot sticks, Bernhoft, carrot sticks!!" Yep, that's what he said. Hey, Peanut might be one talented kid, but he's still four. I have to admit, I was a bit nervous about how this would all go down because he is still four and it wasn't like he asked to meet Bernhoft, I just thought it would be cool, like a full circle moment lol. As a matter of fact, leading up to see him Peanut wasn't too happy that he had to stop playing Pac Man to go see Bernhoft, but once he said "Carrot sticks" everything was all good. We went inside the venue and Bernhoft was soooooooooo nice. I mean, very down to earth. He asked us if we wanted anything to drink/eat. He talked to Peanut and played with him and I mean he played with him. Peanut kept acting like he was falling and he would catch him. He pretended to play the drums with him and even got on the floor and kicked each other's feet, see……

He has a son of his own, so I think he knew what to expect, but I think he would have still been the same with Peanut had he not had one. He said he could tell by watching the YouTube video that Peanut had great musical ability and told us that playing with Peanut actually lifted his spirits because the cloudy cold day had kind of put him in a little funk. I forget what he said they call it in Norway, but I will just say he had the weather blues lol. He asked if I sing and I just mumbled a lil bit and he kind of laughed at that. Hey, I didn't know if he was gonna put me on the spot. I mean I know I have a voice, but it doesn't even compare to his. 

After talking for a little while, it was finally time for sound check and he went on stage and Peanut and I sat in the front row and watched and listened. It was then when it finally registered to Peanut who Bernhoft was. Peanut use to watch the Fresh Beat Band all the time so I got tickets to the concert and when we went he didn't understand why the band was not on the t.v so it took him a while to get it, so when Bernhoft started playing songs he knew and right in front of him, his face totally changed and he started singing the songs with him. We were playing the drums on the table and singing out loud. Part of me wishes I would have brought his little guitar so he could "play" too, but it's pretty much broke so I decided against it. It was sooooo cool. I mean, we pretty much had our own little concert. He played through at least 5 songs.

So happy

Peanut took this picture 

I just sat there thinking, man this is awesome and I would look back at PJ, who was holding Lyric a few rows back, and he would just nod his head and smile because he knew how cool this was. We could have stayed there all day, but it was getting close to 7pm and we had to have the kids back at the hotel for Claire to watch, so before we headed out Bernhoft played "Shout". That's one of Peanut's favorites so he started to dance and I danced with him and then Bernhoft told us to come up on the stage so this is what happen, (if you listen closely you can hear him saying Peanut in the background of the song)

Man, that was just soooo much fun. We decided it was time to go sadly we said goodbye while sound check was still going on.

We were heading out and around the corner came Bernhoft saying a better goodbye I guess lol. He told Lyric he was sad he didn't get to hear her vocal ability and then said goodbye to us again. Man, he's cool!! 

That was such a great experience, and we hadn't even been to the concert yet. We dropped the kids off back at the hotel and turned around to go back to the venue for the concert. The opening act was a band by the name of Miracles of Modern Science and they were pretty good, better than I expected. I enjoyed their set, but all we really wanted to hear was Bernhoft.

It was finally time to hear him play and he came out all smiles and ready to jam, yeah that's right, jam!! He started off with a new song called "Wind you up", and then proceeded to play familiar songs. He was/is awesome. After a couple more songs he played a new one called, "I won't let you go" and man that song right there, was mmmm mmmm mmmm good!!! So much so that I shouted "Sang It!!!" while he was singing. He has such a rich, soulful voice and everything about it seems sooooo effortless. I know people tell me I can sing, but no this brotha, yes brotha', can SANG!!! Oh man, it would be awesome to sing a duet with him. There isn't a studio version of that song, but I hope when he records it it sounds just as simple and soulful as it did when we heard it live. Those type of songs don't need all that extra stuff, just his voice and the guitar. Of course after that song the crowd erupted in cheers and applause because it was AMAZING!!! Bernhoft continued with more familiar songs and in one of them I even got a shout out. He covered "Shout" by Tears for Fears and in part of the song certain keys are played and I sang them because I thought they were coming, but he played something different and everyone could hear me, including Bernhoft, and this happened……

Go to minute 2:35...

Yeah that was pretty cool and hilarious. The concert was starting to come to a close and he finished it out with "Fly Away" and then it was over. He took his bow and waved goodbye, but we all know that if you cheer loud enough the artist will always come back and he did. He played two more songs and one was "Sunday". That's probably one my favorite songs of his, it use to be the top one but now that I've heard "I can't let you go", it is in the top two.. I was happy he sung it because he wasn't planning on it and I asked him at sound check to sing it so when he hadn't sung it yet I thought he forgot, but he sung it and I was happy happy happy. Well,  after that it was really over. I didn't want the concert to end but I knew it had to end at some point. We stayed a little bit after to get a picture with him and thank him again for the sound check treat and of course I wanted a silly picture so this is it.....

Oh and PJ took one too...

Finally, we left and made our way back to the hotel or should I say reality lol. We got back to the hotel and to my surprise, Peanut was sleep, yes, sleep. He never falls asleep with a babysitter and Lyric was sleep too!!! That my friends is what you call, a good night!!! 

Needless to say our Bernhoft experience was awesome, amazing, fantastic, incredible, terrific......you get the point. I'm so thankful to Bernhoft, to Claire for watching the kids, to my son for being so talented, to my sister for introducing me to Bernhoft and to Ellen for having Bernhoft on her show. That day will go down in history as a pretty cool day for my family. 

Lastly, probably the funniest thing about this whole experience is that after the concert is my husband decided to keep saying how amazing it all was, as if he had been trying to play it cool all day and finally had to let it out. Oh and after we got back home Peanut kept asking where Bernhoft was and even told me that he was not Peanut, but Bernhoft. He wanted to listen to him and sing like him even more now because of the experience which makes me wonder if there's another video up his sleeve......

My Sinful Nature

It's been a little while since I've written anything on here. I've had things I wanted to express, but I guess since I'm pregnant it's making me spend time elsewhere. I couldn't help but write out my thoughts today because I'm just frustrated. In particular, I'm frustrated with my sinful nature. This morning while reading through my Bible I came across the verse in Colossians that says, "Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth". I needed to read that this morning, because I have been having a hard time focusing on the things above, especially in certain areas of my life. The world we live in feeds you this notion that life is only good if you have certain things or you are only successful if you have certain things in your life, have this kind of home, these kind of children, or these kind of friends. In my heart of hearts I know it is all lies and that those things don't matter but my head gets in the way a lot and puts in me in these moods that I can't stand. I guess hating the mood it puts me in shows my growth as a Christian, but at times it is hard to shake that bad mood. 

So I'm sure you're wondering what has me in this bad mood. Well, it's my sinful nature. Maybe I should further explain. I have the tendency to get negative very quickly when dealing with uncertainty. Specifically when it directly effects me. When I'm unsure of how things are going to turn out, I get down. I have noticed this about myself and in recent years have gotten a little better but I still have a lot of work to do. When situations come about for others that deal with uncertainty, I am a totally different person. I'm hopeful, positive and optimistic but I have trouble being that for myself and it can be over something so small. My attitude in those situations has everything to do with my sinful nature because it shows me where I'm putting my hope in and what I'm putting my satisfaction in.  My satisfaction should be in Christ alone and when it is not, I'm basically setting myself up for failure. I know that as long as I am in this world my flesh will not allow me to be fully satisfied in Christ BUT I know that the more I pursue that in my life, my thoughts and actions will be transformed more and more to what they should be. I want that so much in my life right now and always because I hate that little stuff can make me just get down when ultimately those things are not important. 

So I've mentioned before in posts that in order to fight sin we need to confess it and do our best to be open about it so that we can begin to truly fight it versus just holding it inside. This is basically what I'm trying to do, but I thought I would take it a little further to say what has led me in this weird, bad, and stupid mood today. I know that this will sound stupid and even shallow to others but I also know that I am not the only one to ever feel this way about it. Most people will probably just not admit it because of how it makes them look, but when I've seen people be honest about what sin they struggle with, I'm surprised in a good way, a way that makes me want to be honest as well so I'm jut taking that chance here. So my mood basically started because of my baby shower. Yep, my baby shower. Some sweet wonderful ladies at my church are throwing me a baby shower. I couldn't believe it because I've just seen people get one baby shower. Anyways, they are throwing me a shower and just told me to invite who I wanted and I did. Quite a few were invited, but this past Sunday many had not RSVP'd and that bothered me. I know people don't always RSVP but the number that had not was, for me, alarming. So I immediately went to a place of, well this sucks. I mean I know it may sound ridiculous to get down about but when you are so excited about something and there's going to be a party for it it can be discouraging when people aren't letting you know they are coming or don't come at all. In my head I reasoned why people hadn't responded and even said well, it is summer so everyone is probably on vacation, but somehow I couldn't shake that feeling of, this sucks or why even have a baby shower. I just went completely negative instead of thinking positively and I can't stand that. I almost didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to come of as ungrateful because I am grateful. I'm thankful for even getting a baby shower and for the people who are coming, but at that time basically 5 people had responded and I just thought I didn't want the hosts of the shower to go through all this trouble if only a few showed and then I just thought that no one cared and that of course, this only happens to me. Yeah, stupid, sinful thinking. When I was wrapped up in this thinking I thought, man you are dumb Courtney and I became convicted of my attitude and hated it. I told my husband that I just hate getting down like that because its not right and I know it's because of my sinful nature and not being satisfied in Christ like I should be. So today, I'm not in a bad mood because everyone hasn't RSVP'd, I'm mad because I'm tired of going to a place that I don't need to go when I feel like things aren't going right or I have no idea of how things are going to go. I'm mad because I'm not focusing on Christ more like I should instead of other things. I'm down because I wonder if I will ever defeat moments like these because I will face uncertainty again for sure. I'm disappointed in myself for letting the world determine how I should feel versus what The Lord says. I guess the positive to these feelings is that God is making me aware of where my hope and satisfaction should be. Also, He is showing me that He is still working on me. Philippians 1:6 says "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" and that is a promise that I want and need to cling to in moments like these. God is just using moments like these in my life to mold me to where He wants me to be and even though I can't stand that sometimes, I am thankful that He loves me enough to keep working on me. I'd rather go through a heart adjustment that can hurt at times then have Him not adjust me at all. 

Anyways, this was what I wanted to share and having shared it, I feel better and I'm sure the devil is mad about that. I sincerely ask that you pray for me in this fight against having the mind set I shouldn't have in moments of uncertainty or any moments. Thank you. 

A virtuous woman.....who can find her?

This morning I woke up to finish my reading of Proverbs and of course we all know that this book of wisdom ends with a chapter focused on the virtuous woman. I thought it was a little ironic that I would end this chapter with Mother's Day being this weekend. I've read this chapter, specifically verses 10-31, plenty of times. Most of the time when I have read these scriptures it was to encourage myself as a stay at home mom. We live in a world today that, to me, does not honor what moms do when taking care of their homes is their priority. I mean people say they commend moms for raising their children and staying home, but sadly are so quick to turn around and say, "All you do is stay home", "You don't have a real job", or as soon as you mention you stay at home with your kids, their facial expression kind of turns to disdain and is followed with an, "Okay". Sadly I must confess that at times I don't want to say that I stay at home with my son or have said it with not the most positive attitude because I have let the world's view consume me. Which is why when I have read Proverbs 31:10-31, it's to encourage me or other moms I know that stay at home (or don't) who I'm sure feel the same pressures of this world. 

Today was different though. Today The Lord told me to read this as a convicting passage. In other words, I read it and listed the qualities of the virtuous woman and examined myself to see if I had any of these qualities and if not, where I needed to improve. (In reality though, when it comes to living your life for The Lord, we should always be improving.)

Here are a list of qualities I wrote down:

*She does well by her husband, not evil 

*She does well by her family

*She gladly serves her home 

*She's resourceful

*She's strong 

*Her household is her priority 

*She reaches out her hand to the poor and needy

*She anticipates her families needs

*She brings honor to her husband

*Strength and honor are her clothing

*She is wise and her tongue is the law of kindness

*She fears The Lord 

These are all wonderful qualities. I feel like I possess some of these and some of these I need to work on. I wondered though, what my husband thought. I was already feeling conviction in my heart of areas I needed to work on and wanted to know if my husband felt the same. I asked him to stop working and read these scriptures and be honest about how I am doing in these areas. As he sat there and read the scriptures, I was a bit nervous. My husband has always been honest with me. I have loved this quality in him, but sometimes I just don't want to hear it. I knew I needed to ask him because when it comes to looking at our own hearts, we are blind to our sin, but others can see it quite clear. God had already revealed to me what I needed to change, but I wanted to hear what He would reveal through my husband. If I am serious about changing and fighting sin, I need to confess and put it out there instead of keeping it in like the devil wants me to do. He finished reading and told me that he didn't really know what to say because he thinks I do a very good job of taking care of our family. Now this may not seem surprising to you, but I was surprised. I was ready to hear his constructive criticism because trust me, he will give it to me straight. I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. His issues have always been other things and not so much how I take care of the home. He asked what I felt I needed to work on and I said out of all of those qualities, my two biggest issues were taking HONOR in what I do and not looking at it as just a job and taking care of him better. 

For me, I have found that I have more than less not taken honor in what it means to take care of our home. I mean lets face it, all the mundane things you do around the house can just get repetitive and frustrating, and there is nothing glamorous about picking up things off the floor, or cleaning bathrooms. I would find myself becoming bitter about it. I can blame it on listening to the world, not feeling appreciated, not feeling like I'm really contributing, and whatever else. What it really comes down to is I'm not believing what God's Word says about what I'm doing. God didn't just put things in the Bible to just out them there. His Word is TRUE and so it's my heart that needs the adjustment. I need to remember that in all I do, I need to do it to glorify God. My life is to please Him, not others. Would it be nice to get praise from others?  Sure, but we all know that that is not going to happen most of time. My focus needs to be that I'm bringing honor to God by taking care of my family, even if no one shows me appreciation. (Which they do, but you get my point)

I think my other problem I have faced when taken care of my home, is my sense of entitlement. I say that because as women, we do a lot, but I feel like we use that as a way to make it seem like our husbands don't do anything. We know we do a lot so we feel entitled to things going our way. I don't know if this is making sense, but I can just think of plenty of times when my husband has complained about being tired or wanting a break and I just have looked at him like, you have to be kidding me. Like I look at him like he doesn't work. He does work. He works for our family. He has deadlines, he has responsibilities, and he has an actual boss that he has to report to. I have to remember that that can be stressful for him. It may not be the same kind of stress I face at home, but it doesn't make his feelings less than mine. Now I know my husband would much rather be at work than stay at home cause his patience is ummmm well lets just say he's praying for patience in the area of parenting, but he is still working and doing what he does to take care of us and I need to recognize that as well.  

I guess that brings me to my other issue I mentioned that I need to work on, taking better care of him. The scriptures he read had a lot to do with taking care of the home, but there were a few verses that briefly mentioned how a virtuous woman takes care of her husband or brings honor to him. My husband doesn't feel like I treat him poorly, but I felt differently. I wouldn't say I treat my husband poorly, but I know I can take care of my husband a lot better than I have. My husband asked me where those areas were and the tears began to flow. I know I'm pregnant and hormonal, but the tears I cried had nothing to do with that. Like I have mentioned before in previous posts, me and emotion don't come easy, so I knew this was The Lord working through me and helping me to pour out my feelings to my husband. As hard as it is for me sometimes, it felt so good to just weep in front of him and pour my heart out to him and share my desire to be a better wife and take care of him like I should. I won't go into the details, but I will say that since I don't have the greatest record with showing emotion that plays a huge part in my desire to take better care of my husband. For some reason, it doesn't come easy to me and I can blame that on so many things, but I believe in not placing blame and taking it as an opportunity for me to become more dependent on God and letting Him work through me. My husband was very encouraging as I finished my meltdown (lol) and I was blessed not just because he was consoling me, but because of the words he was saying. I could tell how much God has been working on him by the words he said to me. He is growing more and more and that helped me to smile through the tears that were falling. 

Anyways, I wrote all this to say that I desire to be that virtuous woman. I want to bring honor to my family, to my husband, and especially to God. I'm thankful for the conviction and the tears I had this morning. It just showed me how much God continues to love me and that He is still working on me. I guess I also wrote this because I know I'm not the only mom out there that is feeling this way. My prayer for you and myself, is to not listen to this world and to let our minds and hearts be saturated with the wonderful things of God and to let that be our motivation in everything we do.

You always take care of me...

My husband and I have always been far away from family so getting away for a little trip is not really easy for us. Of course dates are nice, but there is something about completely getting away that is a lot nicer, any parent would understand that. So if you're reading this and you live near your parents or in-laws, I hope you realize how lucky you are. Anywho, my husband and I were able to plan a little getaway thanks to our wonderful friends who watched our son for us. (BTW, if you are reading this Jackie, thanks again, a million times!!!) My husband has always wanted to go to Chicago, especially since moving to Ohio. It's less than 4 hours away from us so you would think it would be easy to just go, but visiting Chicago can be quite expensive and mainly because of the parking. After a lot of searching we chose to stay here.....

This is the Renaissance Blackstone hotel and it was pretty gorgeous and lovely on the inside. I got a great deal that included parking and a few other great things and it costs under the normal price of staying there one night. It still costs a nice little penny, but it was the best deal all around and hey we were celebrating our anniversary and our new baby girl on the way so it was worth it. This hotel has a lot of history, specifically, gangster history. It's been said that Al Capone was a frequent customer there. As a matter of fact, "The Untouchables" was filmed there because of his frequent visits. The hotel also has a history of a lot of former presidents staying there. I thought all those things were pretty interesting, but I didn't really care too much about it. I just wanted my bed to be comfy. We arrived earlier than check in time and were told that they would hold our bags so we can walk the city, but luckily they had a room ready and better yet they upgraded our room to a lake view!! I was very happy to hear that!! Our room was awesome and so was the view. We dropped our things in the room and started touring the city.

We were hungry, scratch that, PJ was really hungry!! Of course we saw a lot of places we know, but we were in Chicago and obviously wanted to eat something different. That something different for PJ was deep dish pizza. We went to Giordano's and even though it says its stuffed pizza, it's pretty much deep dish and huge. Throughout this pregnancy I haven't been too fond of red sauce so I didn't think I would have a slice, so I bought a big chicken salad that was really good. PJ had to wait 40 minutes for his pizza so by the time it came out, I was done eating my salad. So the menu said his small pizza could feed 2 but I think they meant 4. PJ can eat, but looking at other pizzas that people had, I thought even that's too much for you babe. He grabbed a slice and bit into it and the look on his face was priceless. He said, "Babe, this is sooo good!!!". I thought okay I will try it because the sauce didn't seem to be too much and you know I had to help him eat all that pizza lol. I took a bite and I said,"Oh yeah this is good". I only had most of one slice, but PJ ate 3, so he did pretty good. It was just really nice to be sitting outside with him relaxing and having adult conversation. It would have been a complete different experience had we brought Peanut and the couple next to us with their three kids proved that to us. Thanks to that family PJ and I will have an ongoing joke for the rest of our lives.

After our meal, we went walking to the Navy Pier and of course got on the Ferris wheel. If there's a Ferris wheel and I'm with PJ, I want to go on it. I love being with him like that. After our lil tour there we headed to see The Bean in Millineum Park. My honest opinion on the Bean was, it's a bean lol. It was nice to see, but nothing I would get extra excited about. After that we heading back to our hotel before dinner. I would write about our experience at dinner, but it's still a memory I try not to remember. A very expensive, tasteless memory. As a matter of fact, PJ said we aren't to speak of it for years to come hahahaha. 

Other than that dinner experience, everything else we ate was great. The picture above was from dinner the next night. We ate at The Gage and it was very very good and a lot less expensive. The picture below has a few pics of other places we ate. I know we were in Chicago, but no matter where I am, if there is a Cheesecake Factory, I'm getting some cheesecake!! I love their cheesecake!! Mmmmmm I want some cheesecake now. I kind of felt bad for PJ because he's down to eat anywhere and unfortunately I don't have any kind of appetite in this pregnancy so picking somewhere to eat would be a complicated sometimes, but eventually we got food in our bellies.

Our second day in Chicago was more sightseeing. We went to the John Hancock Observatory and as our friend Katie Spink would say, we got a sweeeeeet deal. A lot of the tourists sites offer military discounts and it only costs 15 dollars for both of us to see the view. That was pretty cool since the original price was nearly 40. Just goes to show that you always ask for a military discount no matter where you are. I would say that view was uuummmmmm AWESOME!! You know what was really great? There was basically no one up there, so it was almost as if we had the place to ourselves. Actually, this whole trip was pretty nice when it came to other tourists being around. We came right before tourists really start to come through and see the city and the weather was perfect. I thanked The Lord for that every day.

After the Observatory we went to the Water Tower Place and did some shopping and had lunch. Apparently R.Kelly was there, which was kind of funny because PJ kept joking that he was going to find him and some random black girl told PJ he was upstairs. I say black girl because we all know if PJ wasn't black she wouldn't have came up to him and said, "Ummmmm I know I don't know you, but R. Kelly is on the 7th floor". PJ just said, "Okay". I think R.Kelly was trying to find material for the 176th chapter of Trapped in the Closet lol.

All that walking was making my feet hurt, so I thought we were going to do a boat tour to rest but PJ wanted to just rest in the hotel so we made our way back there, but I had to stop. I'm over 5 months pregnant so I had to listen to my body and say I need to stop. We stopped at this water fountain art area in Millineum park and I walked in the water and it felt sooooooooo good!! It's as almost as if my feet were saying THANK YOU!!!!!!! It felt incredible on my burning feet and it was nice kicking water around with the little kids, especially the little girls since it only made me think about my baby girl. 

Our last day we spent at The Field Musem. I have to say that was one place where I really missed Peanut. He would have loved the dinosaurs. PJ and him would have had a great time together at that place because PJ is really into "old" things lol. We got to take a stroll and spend time together by the lake as well. It was just awesome to have nothing to do, but spend time together and love on each other. Sure we could have done a whole lot more, but the focus was on us. 

I posted this picture of our breakfast because that was another thing that was included in our package.  The funny thing is, where we had breakfast is where we had the regretful dinner experience. Thankfully the breakfast was really yummy and so fancy looking, the dinner was fancy looking and nasty hahaha. I swear you could put anything on these types of plates and it makes you want to eat it. It was nice having a full breakfast every morning. Before we headed back to reality (home), we had our last breakfast there and enjoyed the last view moments of sanity.

    So you might be wondering why (or maybe you're not) I titled this post the way I did. I mean technically it has nothing to really do with Chicago to most people. It does for me though. Throughout this trip, as I said before, we did a lot of walking. In my "condition" walking around for long periods of time and getting up and sitting down can take a lot out of me. My husband was always helping me, but there was this one time when I didn't need help up but he gave me a napkin or something, he basically made sure I had what I needed before him and I just smiled inside and told him, "You always take care of me". You might say, well he's suppose to or yeah so my husband does the same thing, but how often do we forget to tell our husbands how grateful we are for the little things they do, especially little things that are really big things. In that moment I was reminded of all the little things my husband has done to protect me. From holding out his hand for me to grab to keep me from something, to walking behind me in a crowded area, to putting his arm in front of me to keep me hitting something, or just going without something because his wife and son were more important. I know my husband is in the military, but I honestly believe that has nothing to do with how protective he is over me. Since we have been together I have always seen how important I am to him and how even though he jokes about me fending for myself if the house caught on fire, he would do anything to protect our family. My husband is not the most vocal person when it comes to sharing his love for me, but I've always known and felt his love for me because of his actions. Anyone can say I love you, but showing your love is a lot different. Sure, he works my nerves at times, but he's suppose to. Seriously, him working my nerves only helps me to grow in learning to love him more. Anyways, being on this trip with him and having all the laughs and conversations with him was just another reminder of not just why I married him, but why he's my best friend. My prayer before going on this trip was that The Lord would bless it and we would have a great time, and we did. We didn't want to leave. I'm very thankful that God granted us this time together, it was pretty sweet, just like our view every morning. I love you PJ, looking forward to our next getaway.......