So I'm sure you're wondering what has me in this bad mood. Well, it's my sinful nature. Maybe I should further explain. I have the tendency to get negative very quickly when dealing with uncertainty. Specifically when it directly effects me. When I'm unsure of how things are going to turn out, I get down. I have noticed this about myself and in recent years have gotten a little better but I still have a lot of work to do. When situations come about for others that deal with uncertainty, I am a totally different person. I'm hopeful, positive and optimistic but I have trouble being that for myself and it can be over something so small. My attitude in those situations has everything to do with my sinful nature because it shows me where I'm putting my hope in and what I'm putting my satisfaction in. My satisfaction should be in Christ alone and when it is not, I'm basically setting myself up for failure. I know that as long as I am in this world my flesh will not allow me to be fully satisfied in Christ BUT I know that the more I pursue that in my life, my thoughts and actions will be transformed more and more to what they should be. I want that so much in my life right now and always because I hate that little stuff can make me just get down when ultimately those things are not important.
So I've mentioned before in posts that in order to fight sin we need to confess it and do our best to be open about it so that we can begin to truly fight it versus just holding it inside. This is basically what I'm trying to do, but I thought I would take it a little further to say what has led me in this weird, bad, and stupid mood today. I know that this will sound stupid and even shallow to others but I also know that I am not the only one to ever feel this way about it. Most people will probably just not admit it because of how it makes them look, but when I've seen people be honest about what sin they struggle with, I'm surprised in a good way, a way that makes me want to be honest as well so I'm jut taking that chance here. So my mood basically started because of my baby shower. Yep, my baby shower. Some sweet wonderful ladies at my church are throwing me a baby shower. I couldn't believe it because I've just seen people get one baby shower. Anyways, they are throwing me a shower and just told me to invite who I wanted and I did. Quite a few were invited, but this past Sunday many had not RSVP'd and that bothered me. I know people don't always RSVP but the number that had not was, for me, alarming. So I immediately went to a place of, well this sucks. I mean I know it may sound ridiculous to get down about but when you are so excited about something and there's going to be a party for it it can be discouraging when people aren't letting you know they are coming or don't come at all. In my head I reasoned why people hadn't responded and even said well, it is summer so everyone is probably on vacation, but somehow I couldn't shake that feeling of, this sucks or why even have a baby shower. I just went completely negative instead of thinking positively and I can't stand that. I almost didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to come of as ungrateful because I am grateful. I'm thankful for even getting a baby shower and for the people who are coming, but at that time basically 5 people had responded and I just thought I didn't want the hosts of the shower to go through all this trouble if only a few showed and then I just thought that no one cared and that of course, this only happens to me. Yeah, stupid, sinful thinking. When I was wrapped up in this thinking I thought, man you are dumb Courtney and I became convicted of my attitude and hated it. I told my husband that I just hate getting down like that because its not right and I know it's because of my sinful nature and not being satisfied in Christ like I should be. So today, I'm not in a bad mood because everyone hasn't RSVP'd, I'm mad because I'm tired of going to a place that I don't need to go when I feel like things aren't going right or I have no idea of how things are going to go. I'm mad because I'm not focusing on Christ more like I should instead of other things. I'm down because I wonder if I will ever defeat moments like these because I will face uncertainty again for sure. I'm disappointed in myself for letting the world determine how I should feel versus what The Lord says. I guess the positive to these feelings is that God is making me aware of where my hope and satisfaction should be. Also, He is showing me that He is still working on me. Philippians 1:6 says "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" and that is a promise that I want and need to cling to in moments like these. God is just using moments like these in my life to mold me to where He wants me to be and even though I can't stand that sometimes, I am thankful that He loves me enough to keep working on me. I'd rather go through a heart adjustment that can hurt at times then have Him not adjust me at all.
Anyways, this was what I wanted to share and having shared it, I feel better and I'm sure the devil is mad about that. I sincerely ask that you pray for me in this fight against having the mind set I shouldn't have in moments of uncertainty or any moments. Thank you.
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