It has been over a year since I last wrote something down here. Some of that has to do with being lazy, not knowing what to say or how to say it, and really just forgetting because I'm busy doing mom things. Since I last wrote, much has not changed in the church home search. I think we have been to 3 different churches since then, but we have been attending one church for the past few months which I believe is the longest of any church we have attended. Since we haven't really been established in that area of our lives, I still basically have no friends. That's still something I am doing my best to work through and it's not like I know no one but I don't have a group or a few ladies I hang out with on some kind of regular basis. All of the emotions and questions I have that come with that are for another time though.
Today I am writing about this little guy and all of the lessons I am being taught by him.
When I had my son, I knew that being a parent was going to be hard work but I couldn't have imagined how hard it was really going to be. When we moved back to California, Nehemiah had a hard time adjusting because it was a big move and Ohio was all he knew. Plus, being completely out of his normal routine really wasn't helping. It wasn't until we finally moved into our home and got back to normal that things started to get better, that is until he started school. When I pictured my son going to school, I thought, this is going to be great. He's going to sleep better because he has to wake up early, I'm going to have a little break with just my daughter at home for few hours, and school is just going to be be great because he will have his play time and be around other kids his age. That was not my reality. Within the first week, not only did I receive a comment from another parent, I also got a call from the principal. I cried, a lot. I still cry a lot.
As much as Nehemiah loves school, it's almost an enemy of his because pretty much everything about school works against how his mind works. For example, he needs to move. I would say almost all the time, he needs to be moving. It's funny because I would always hear comments from people saying, well most kids are like that. That is true, but it's different for my son. It became very apparent how much he needed to move when I would attend class (with daughter in tow) and watch how he was the only one moving a lot at carpet time or any other time for that matter. My son is also loud, he makes noises that he can't help but make and guess what? That's not good for school either because it's a distraction. He's also impulsive so you can imagine how that really doesn't help in the classroom.
I remember when I would come to class and watch him and get so upset with him because what he was doing at school he wasn't doing at home, but then I realized it's because school is very different' from home. At home, he doesn't need to sit and be still for long periods of time. At home there aren't 27 other kids running around (yes, I said 27). At home, it's quiet, there aren't many things to grab his attention and keep him from focusing on schoolwork. When I would go to class it would help his behavior some but it was obvious that he couldn't help some of the things he was doing so it wasn't a matter of him just acting out. I quickly became the parent who felt like all the other parents were judging her. I say that because I have been that parent. "If only they did this" or "He needs to get his behind whooped" is what I would say when I would see a child acting out or I would think that the parent didn't discipline their child at all. I rarely think that anymore when I see a child behaving a certain way because I KNOW what we have done in our home to help correct my child's behavior at school. You would not believe everything we have tried and I'm not saying that it never worked but nothing has ever worked long term. It's exhausting and frustrating because you know you need to discipline your child for certain things but I also know that whatever the discipline is, it will not prevent him from doing the same thing the next day.
For a little bit of time after Christmas break, things seem to be taken a turn for the better but then something happen before spring break and from then on until the school year was over, it was absolutely the hardest months we have ever had in parenting our son. I don't know what happened but he began to have a lot of anger outbursts and extreme meltdowns. I cried out so much to God during this time. I can remember specifically crying while taking a shower. I just broke down and sobbed because we had no clue what to do to help our son. I knew it was bad when my husband finally broke down. We began taking him to see a therapist the latter part of the school year and throughout the summer and I do feel like that helped (and it is still helping).
You can imagine how happy I was when school was out, I was relieved to have gotten through the school year. The first half of summer was rough because his anger was now showing itself at home and not just the classroom. The last half of summer was better and 1st grade was around the corner and I was anxious, plus my husband was gone for work so that didn't help with my anxiety. Thankfully, after speaking with the principal and his new teacher my anxiousness was calmed down. The first 3 weeks of school was like heaven (not really, but you get the point). I mean seriously, I was just thanking the Lord and praising Him for the progress and I thought maybe it was just a kindergarten thing. That honeymoon moment didn't last though. Soon it became very apparent that something else was going on with my son. I don't want to make it sound like my child is this tyrant because he's not. The reality of it is he will have good days but a really bad moment in that good day. He's actually a pretty smart kid, creative, funny, and sweet. It's just that with his mind and the way school is set up, it works against him. I can't tell you how many times he has said he wants to do right or has cried because he thinks he's a bad kid. It's heartbreaking to see him really trying to conform and he just can't. The blessing I have seen in first grade, is that even though he's having moments in class, they aren't as bad as last year and his teacher has A LOT to do with that. She is literally a God send. She loves him so much and wants nothing but the best for him and does everything she can do to help him succeed in class. Plus, she actually prays for him and I'm all about that. We talk regularly and she even keeps in touch with him when school is out. If it wasn't for her, I'm sure the 1st half of this year would have been very different. Prayerfully, before school is over Nehemiah will have a school plan in place that will carry on with his future teachers so that they will know how to help him in class.
If you are wondering if we have ever taken my son to see a doctor, we have. He has seen his own pediatrician plenty of times and recently saw a neurologist. Some of what the neurologist said, I agree with and some I don't so we are hoping to get a second opinion. Regardless, it is very clear that something is going on with him. I know that certain people don't like labels being put on their kids but sometimes you need those labels so that other people can get with the program and honestly so that you can stop living in denial and get with the program. One label that my son clearly has is, tic disorder. That's probably the hardest for me to watch and I have cried a few times about that because it clearly bothers him but there's nothing we can do about that. That's probably the hardest thing about all of this, is feeling hopeless because a lot of what's happening is out of your control.
At the beginning of this I said I was writing to talk about the lessons my son has taught me. I decided to open up about what's been going on with him because I want other parents to know that they aren't alone. Some people don't talk about things because they feel ashamed or that it's their fault but I know I am a good mom and my husband is a good father and we are doing what we can to help our child. So many people are too busy pretending and that's not healthy for you or for other people because it makes them feel like they need to live up to some sort of parenting expectation and uhhhhh that ain't happening lol. I also wanted to open up to show how what is going on with him is being used to transform me. For the longest time I use to try and change my son but it's really me who needed to change. I don't want that to sound like my child just gets to do whatever he wants because he doesn't. I mean that I need to change how I react to what's clearly beyond his control.
If you aren't familiar with the story of Nehemiah in the Bible, long story short, he helps to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. The other night while I was having one of many talks with the Lord about my Nehemiah, He revealed to me that Nehemiah is my wall builder. All my ways of thinking how things should be or how I need to handle things (my wall) were knocked down when Nehemiah started school and every situation that has come our way since then is a stone or brick, if I may, that is helping to rebuild the way I love, the way I trust, the way I handle a bad situation, the way I speak to someone, the way I parent, the way I look at other parents, the way I care, the way I spend my time, the way I look at other kids, the way I judge, the way I pray....the list goes on and it will continue to go on as long as the Lord allows it. Is it going to suck at times? Yep. Will I get it right every time? Uh, no!! It is all for my good? Yes!! It is really hard to get through the storm especially when it seems like it is going to last a while, but I know and believe that the Lord cares and wouldn't allow all of this if He didn't love me and wanted me to grow. I'm thankful He wants to keep working on me. These new stones may come with some pain but I know in the long run my wall is worth it. My son is worth it.
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