You often hear people say that they are their own worst critic. This is very true for me. I absolutely love music. I can remember as a young child getting excited about how certain songs would sound and loving different harmonies and use of instrumentation and wondering why other kids my age weren't as excited about it as me. I can jam out to music all day and be as happy as a kid in a candy store. I am not a musician. I don't play any instruments, but I do have a voice. God blessed me with one. I mean I'm not no Whitney Houston or anything but I can sing. I love to sing!! Besides being in the Word, singing is where I feel closer to God. Music just has this ability to speak to you like nothing us does and because of that I am my own worst critic. I know that making a joyful noise is not about how you sound, but I'm also smart enough to know that no one wants to hear someone sounding like a HOT MESS!! Lol I mean I don't want to hear that. Anyways, because I know this I get really nervous about singing solos.
For example, this weekend we have a benefit concert at our church and I am singing O Holy Night. Yes, O Holy Night, you know that song where you have to hit all these high notes and a really big one at the end. I've always wanted to try this song, but I've been too scared. However, this year I decided to be brave and trust that Tim (our wonderful pianist at church) would arrange it just right for me and he did. He adjusted the key and lets me do my own thing, BUT it's still nerve wrecking. Andrew (he's in charge of our worship ministry) and Tim were giving me tips on working the song differently and I love their advice because I've always wanted guidance on how to control my voice and it's always cool to hear someone else's take on a song. The problem with that is when I get fed a lot of things from others and then I have a way of how I want to sound with my own criticism on top of that.......well you guessed it, it makes me more nervous. Today Andrew told me to just forget everything they said and just feel the song and sang it, yes sang it, like I want to. I distinctly remember hearing him say, "Get nasty with it" hahaha, I knew what he meant. He wanted me to loosen up because he knew I was over thinking it. So I did but I didn't at the same time. I did feel more comfortable, but not as comfortable as I do in my own home.
My problem is, I don't believe in myself. That's the biggest reason why I have never pursued any kind of music career. I have done so many different things with my voice but as soon as I get in front of people, it's a wrap. I mean I sound good, but not the same. People tell me all the time that they love to hear me sing and how great I sound, but I don't believe them. As a matter of fact, people telling me that makes me even more nervous when I sing because I feel like I have to live up to this greatness they hear. So as you can see I put a lot of pressure on myself because honestly, singing is one of the few things I think I'm good at.
I don't like being this self critical about myself so what I am trying my best to do is to trust in God and realize that no matter how much I practice, the song will come out the way the Holy Spirit wants it to anyways. I am learning to put my ego aside and just worship God in the song and forget about everyone else that's in front of me because what they think of me is not important. If I crack, then I crack but my worship is what's really important. As much as I love to sing and sound great, my desire is to be invisible and to let Christ shine through me when I sing. I want Him to be center stage so that others can be transformed. So from now until the concert I will just be praying for not only my solo but the whole benefit concert and for all the focus to be on Him.
Hopefully one day I will learn to stop being so critical of myself.
*** I really hope I don't crack........lol
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