So this is Katie...

So for those who really know me, know I'm not a very emotional person. Let me rephrase that, I'm not very emotional when it comes to relationships. I have, on the other hand, been very emotional when I talk to God or I'm expressing His love for me or how I want to grow in Him, but aside from that I'm not very good at expressing how I feel about others. I can sit here and say that's just how I am or I'm this way because this happened in my past, but I choose to believe that I have this issue to draw myself closer to God. I can't change this problem without Him. I say it's a problem because it has caused me to not develop real relationships with people and I'm sure I've missed out on a lot and have never gotten to tell people what they have really meant to me. So I say that all to say, I'm getting better at it. I don't cry and get all emotional, BUT I do let people know now that I love them and that I will miss them which may not seem hard to do to others but it has been hard for me.

Soooo this is Katie...

I could have written her a letter instead of a public blog, but I have found that really putting things out there has helped me to open up more and I think she deserves a lil love for the world to see. This is my lovely friend Katie. She is the wife of Andrew, our former youth pastor and worship leader, and a wonderful friend. Many people love her, but this is why I love her.....


When I first started going to my current church she was the first person to greet PJ and I in our Sunday School class. I remember it like it was yesterday because she was so excited to talk to us and I couldn't help but be happy to be there because of how welcomed she made me feel and honestly that's how she's been since I met her. When Katie asks you a question, she is genuinely interested in what you have to say. She is very easy to talk to and she is someone who I feel tells you what you need to hear and will is able to share her own opinion about something without making you feel yours is dumb lol. One of the absolute things I love about her is when we would have conversations about things, she would always lead things back to God. I appreciate that so much in my life because so many people I know look at solving problems from the world's perspective and she does not. It is wonderful having those people around you because it only helps you to always be reminded that God needs to be involved in all of your life, not just some of it. It's just great to have a friend in your life who really loves The Lord. Besides all of those things, I just know if I really needed something she would help me and I can feel that she genuinely does care about my family. She loves Peanut, as a matter of fact, I'm sure she will miss him more than me lol. Seriously though, she gets so happy to see him and that warms my heart when someone loves your child that much.

Well enough with the sappy stuff hahahaha, hey I did say I was still growing...baby steps baby steps lol. Here are some fun memories I will have of Katie, oh yeah, did I fail to mention that Katie and her husband and daughter are leaving tomorrow to Seattle and that's what I'm writing this?!!? Oops my bad lol

Anywho some fun memories of Katie

1. For some reason she still thinks she is in sports and continues to pat people on the butt as if you just scored a goal lol

2. Her thinking that I think she would say or do certain things to me because I'm black lol sorry Katie it's me just giving you a hard time, I actually use the phrase "It's because I'm black ain't it" with even my black friends, problem is.......I've haven't been around black people all the time in a while lol

3. Her criticizing a cup of coffee in a commercial that I believe had nothing to do with coffee.

4. I wasn't there when this happen but apparently Katie said at one time, "The smell of that perfume is deafening. " this is just one example of what I like to call "Classic Katie" moments

5. Connected with #3, Katie trying very hard to convince me to try different lattes. I'm sure when we visit you in Seattle, of all places, it will get even worse.

6. Lastly I will say, Katie has the ability to bring back up a subject way after we have stopped talking about it, like no other person I know. You always think she's about to say something profound and then she says..... "So yeah I really don't think you could call that a Mac-n-cheese".....(only a few will get that)

Anyways, Katie I love you and I will miss you and I'm blessed (seriously) to have you as my friend and my sister in Christ. I really hope we can visit you guys in Seattle so you can meet this new lil one and love up on them as well and maybe just maybe, I will try another latte.

Oh by the way, you know that husband I spoke about earlier? This is him. Andrew is my brother from another mother. First off, let me say the message he preached today was awesome awesome (yeah I wrote that twice). When we first met Andrew he was the same way, very welcoming and friendly and I knew he hung around black people once he told me he knows how you're suppose to really make koolaid lol. Andrew loves music and I love anyone that loves music like I do. I am really going to miss him leading us in praise and worship and not just because he likes to jam like myself, but because he is really up there worshipping when he leads us and I love that. This past year PJ and I became youth leaders and at our Sunday nights with the teens Andrew would give a message and I can say that those sermons were not just for the teens, but for me too. He does not sugarcoat things for these kids and he would be very honest and open about his own sin to them and I have to tell you how amazing and encouraging that was and is for me. I wish we had a youth pastor like him when I was growing up. God is really working in his life and it is so awesome to see the passion he has for The Gospel. You can't help but be excited and what to grow in the Word after hearing him talk about the Gospel. Plus, he's actually a pretty cool guy hahahaha. He also loves Peanut and Peanut loves him. I only wish they were staying a lil longer so we could have more jam sessions!! Anyways, Andrew I love you too and I'm very thankful that God placed both you and Katie in our lives at a time when I think we needed it the most. I will miss our book study nights and you telling me you wish you were black lol.

Well I guess I will end there. I just wanted to express my love and gratitude for my peeps, but really I want to thank God for putting people in my life that only make you want to grow deeper in Christ, those are always good friends to have.

I know I will see you guys again, until then.................PEACE OUT!!

Happy Birthday to my Twin (who was born 3 years after me)

This is my beautiful sister Chelsie and today is her birthday. I can't believe she is 28 years old. She's growing up so fast lol. Chelsie doesn't have any kind of social media page because she believes Facebook is the devil hahahaha. No, really those were her words, but I get what she is saying. So since I can't post this on any age of hers I decided to write a blog post in honor of this wonderful day that she was born 28 years ago. Chelsie is not just my sister, but my best friend. Me and her is like peas and carrots (in my Forrest Gump voice). Even though we were born three years apart, she is like my twin. We laugh at the same stuff, listen to the same kind of music, believe the same things and we are both weird. Weird in a fantastic, out of this world, you wish you could be us way lol. One of the greatest things about our relationship is that we tell it like it is to each other and we don't ever fight. Of course I'm sure we got on each other's nerves as kids but I always remember it never lasted long. Probably one second later we were laughing again and making our family give us strange faces. I talk to her almost every day and some of the greatest conversations are when we call each other just to hear the other person laugh at something we KNOW they will laugh at. Whenever we get together the laughs are non-stop (which reminds of how our older sister would always complain to my mom about us not going to sleep cause we were too busy cracking up about stuff) and again so are the looks from our family members.......they're just jealous they're not as cool as us lol. I love that I can completely be myself around her because for me that's hard to come by. She gets me and I am very thankful for that.

Not only is she a great friend, but a great wife and she is a great Mom!! She is the mother to this beautiful, crazy, hilarious child, Lynnox. When people meet my son, they know he is MY SON and the same goes for Lynnox. She is definitely Chelsie's daughter. I'm very thankful that The Lord has given my niece a mom who loves The Lord and wants her child to know Him for herself. Chelsie and I had our little ones 6 weeks apart and whenever they get together, it's a riot. I wish we lived closer to them because I feel like those two together would be exactly how Chelsie and I are now. Ahhhhh Family, it's the greatest thing!!

Anyways, I just wanted to say to my wonderful sister, I LOVE YOU!! You are and have been a blessing in my life and I'm sure to many others. You have a very loving, kind, and giving spirit. I hope you have a very beautiful birthday and some wonderful GiGi's cupcakes to go with it. I had to post these pictures below because they are hilarious and they make me laugh every time I see them!!

Last, but not least here some of our inside jokes that only we get...

"WOW this is a Master!!"

"Stop eating my Sesame Cake!!"

"I know what t'mean"

"She likes it, she likes the way is feels, she like the..." (I can't stop laughing at this one)

"No, your Mother in Law"

And one of my favorites...

"She's the catalyst"

Oh man and that's not even all of them lol. I hope I see your face soon, love you!!

Friends, how many of us have them?

That's a good question right? We live in a world today where everyone is your "friend" or at least that's what Facebook or any other social media place tends to say. I mean I alone have 200+ "friends" on Facebook. I know everyone on that list because I just don't take random requests from people who I don't know or who I met just two seconds ago. Maybe that makes me a Facebook snob, but I just call it being protective of my business lol. Most people seem to get that. Anyways, out of all those friends, I would say I'm close to a few and when I say close I mean these are people who I talk to and open up to about things and vice versa. Some are people I've known for a long time and others not so long. I've noticed that as I've gotten older it's harder to make friends and that it's even harder to keep friends that you've known for a long time. I guess that's why I'm writing all of this. I find myself at times trying to keep friendships alive and being the only one that is making the effort. It's kind of hard to realize you're the only one putting in the effort. You may be thinking, well if you're the only one who seems to care then maybe you shouldn't be friends with them anymore. I have thought this myself. You know, just throw in the towel and stop trying to stay in touch because obviously you are the only one who cares to keep in touch. I have thought these things a lot and have seriously considered them, but would never go through with it. It wasn't because I was so desperate for this person to remain my friend, but because The Lord kept telling me, that's not right Courtney. I could just hear Him whispering to me, you shouldn't treat people poorly just because you're upset they aren't acting the way YOU want them to act. If I'm going to be a real friend to somebody then I need to be a REAL FRIEND!!

Don't get me wrong, He's not saying to me to just let people walk all over me or let myself get treated badly. That's not what I'm talking about here, although if someone did and they needed me for something as hard as it may be for me, I would need to step up and let God shine through me in that moment instead of walking away from someone in need just because they hurt me. What I'm talking about is still being a friend regardless of someone not calling me, not texting me, not sending me an email every now and then, not checking in, not agreeing with me, not showing they care, just not being the friend to me that I have been to them.

Writing this out makes me realize I may be coming off desperate for friends here or something lol. I have friends. I have real friends. This is more about me missing the friends I use to have, but learning that just because I may not be one of their friends anymore doesn't mean I still can't BE a friend to them. We all have busy lives and we can't always talk to someone or hang out, and I get that, but it's just lately I've been noticing who makes time and who doesn't. That can hurt, especially when someone means a lot to you. I don't know, maybe I'm the only one who feels this way at times....I doubt it, but maybe I'm the only one willing to say hey I miss those friendships. It's hard getting those connections as you get older and in my case older and weirder. I do know that I am very thankful for the people who love me and care for me and I am very thankful to know a God that tells me what it means to be a friend. I may not get it right all the time, as a matter of fact, I've gotten it wrong a lot, but if I just keep listening to Him I know that I will continue to learn how to have satisfaction in being a friend then having one.

A Moment of Prayer

Dear Lord,

I need your help!! You are the only one who can help bring about change in my life. Thank you for saving me and helping me to see that I am a sinner and without you I do not have eternal life, but I know and have seen that it doesn't just stop there. I need to turn to you constantly and for everything. I know you desire for me to run to you for everything and to cast my cares on you, but I at times forget to do this or think that I can handle things on my own. LORD, help me to see that you are all I need, that you are the only one who can give me true satisfaction in my life. Not my husband, not my son, not my role as a mother, as a wife, as a sister, as a daughter can truly satisfy me. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE who gives true satisfaction. Help me preach this into my life everyday as I am being hit with all of the nonsense that the world says that sounds so appealing. This world is selling a lie and I am guilty of believing it so many times. Help me to run and chase after you!! Help me to pick up your Word when I want to fall into the world, help me to get on my knees and pray instead of turning on the tv or looking through my ipad to escape this life. Help me to love my son and husband and all of my family more. Help me to love you more. I want to love you more. I want to be so filled with you. I want you to pour out of me. I thank you Lord for your love and for forgiving me when I fall because I know that I don't deserve it. Help me to be more forgiving of others and to show generosity to others because you have shown it to me. Thank you for the people you have put in my life that have shown me generosity and kindness when I know I didn't deserve it. Thank you Lord for what I know you will do and for what only you can do. I love you.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen.

Confess it!!

Romans 3:23 says that ALL of us have sin and come short of the glory of God. I believe this to be true, but recently I've been wondering, why are we all acting like we don't struggle with sin. Why aren't we confessing our sins not just to God, but one another. I am not saying that you should just go around telling everyone your business and what you struggle with, but I feel like we don't even tell the people that are closet to us. I can't speak for anyone but myself and since this is my blog I will obviously speak from my own experience.

Why don't I tell others what I struggle with?

Well, the obvious answer is because I don't want people all up in my business!! Lol Seriously though, why would I want someone to know my sin and what I battle with everyday. Why do I want to risk someone judging me? Why do I want to risk someone throwing something back in my face? You might say, well maybe you should find someone who is trustworthy and wouldn't judge you. That's true, I could find someone or maybe even a couple of people to confide in, but that's still hard to just let yourself be vulnerable in that way. Plus, as loving and trustworthy as those people are...they're sinners too and you never know what someone could do with that information.

Plus, telling other people what you struggle with means they get to see the REAL you (or should i say ALL of you). Not the you that you put on that shows everyone you handle everything just fine and life couldn't be any better. The you that shows, I am a mess, I gossip, I lie, I don't care about certain people or situations, I need attention, I want people to like me, I don't like you, I don't like myself......the list can go on and on.

Being vulnerable and honest about your sin is hard, BUT it is sooooooo necessary.

Why should I confide in others about what sin I'm struggling with?

Well for one, the Bible calls us to do it. James 5:19 says "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed....". I believe confessing your sins to others helps you to fight your sin because now it's not hidden. Someone else knows what you are struggling with and can help to hold you accountable when they see you behaving in such a way that would make you yield to temptation. Having someone hold you accountable can help you fight your sin and now you have someone praying specifically for you to fight this certain sin in your life.

I believe confessing sin to others is beneficial not just for you, but for the person you are confiding in. I don't know about you, but when people open up to me about anything they are struggling with it makes me feel good to know I am not alone. We may not have the same struggles, but knowing we both are struggling with something, makes me feel less alone. So many of us hide behind walls and hold things in because the devil makes us believe that we are the only one feeling this way. Example, this is not necessarily a "sin" issue, but I am a mother and being a mother is hard. I love my son and the joy he brings to my life, but being a mom can be completely frustrating and sometimes it seems that all the other moms have it all under control. Well GUESS WHAT?? They don't!! They are going crazy just like you are, but the only way you know that is by opening up to another mom or them opening up to you. After sharing stories with other moms who seemed like everything was great and learning they too were going nuts, I just thought, I AM NOT ALONE!!! When I know I am not alone, I feel better. I feel like I am not the only one going through this. I feel like I can talk to others without feeling shame. I feel like I have someone in my corner pulling for me and I am pulling for them. Someone is there now to help me when I need it.

I have always said that I wish more people would just open up (including myself) about what they are really feeling because it helps to lift any burdens you have and it helps others to stop trying to live up to this expectation that your life is suppose to be this way and this way only. You know that you have to have this type of car, job, life or whatever to be successful. I just wish people would stop pretending because it is really just putting us all in more of a mess than we are already in.

A friend of ours is a youth pastor at our church and one night at one of our youth gatherings he told the teens how he has a notebook that essentially is like a book of confession and that he actually has a couple of people in his life that are allowed to see what's in that notebook. I thought to myself, man that is scary, but man how powerful of a tool is that to fight sin. I mean think about that, if you had one how powerful would that be to have that notebook always keeping you accountable? As scary as that is to be that brutally honest and have a few people see it, I can only imagine how much you would grow as a Christian because of it. I'm not sure if I will do that, I mean I want to, but man.....to do that you need to be committed to being honest and vulnerable. I mentioned the idea to my husband the other day and said I wasn't sure if I would do it, but I feel that as my husband he should know when I'm struggling with things in my life. Whenever I talk to my husband about my relationship with Christ and how much better I want it to be, I feel soooooooooo much better. You would think that since he's my husband it would be easy to just open up about that, but I get anxiety about it. Not so much because he's my husband and he will see how flawed I am, but because I'm letting myself be vulnerable and that's hard to do. Of course every time I do talk to my husband it goes great and we talk more about the subject which leads to other topics and I think to myself, what was I so worried about? I even learn things that he's going through, which like I said before, makes me feel less alone and now I am even more connected with my husband and that sorry devil is just so mad about that lol.

Anyways, I'm kind of just rambling now, but if you've read my first entry you would know that I'm just here to express what I'm feeling and what's on my mind and I don't think about grammar when it comes to those things.

I just hope you get what I'm saying and if you are hiding sin and you think you are the only one struggling, you aren't!! Find someone you trust and just be open and let the weight of that burden go and FIGHT SIN!! Just because you are a Christian doesn't mean things get easier. As our youth pastor says, Christianity is a WAR, because everyday you are fighting and now that you are one of God's own, the devil will do all he can to mess up your relationship with God. Trust me, I know.

So I guess I will leave this post with a moment of confession. Of course since this is a public blog so I won't go into detail, but I will say that I am fighting the lie that everything in this world is better than God. That the creation is better than the CREATOR!! You may say how can you think that? It is so obvious that God is better than everything and I believe you, but it's very easy to feed into what the World says and believe what it deems at "success" instead of trusting in what The Lord and what He says is important. I'm sure there is someone out there who understands what I'm going through. Keep me in your prayers and I will keep you in mine.

A moment of truth

The truth is, the devil is the Father of Lies. John 8:44

The Fall of Man

Besides feeling shocked and sad, all I could think about yesterday was, the Fall of Man. As many of you know, yesterday was a very sad day for the town of Newton, CT and the whole nation. A young man went into a elementary school and took the lives of 20 beautiful little kids, 6 adults of the staff, his mother's life, and eventually his own. I have been sick for the past couple of days so when I noticed something on the Internet about this story, I just glanced at it with the other headlines and my since my son is home with me my television stays on NickJr in the morning. It wasn't until my sister texted me that about wanting to cry that I turned on the news and grabbed my ipad to read into what happen. I immediately thought, what is wrong with people? The answer that came back to me is, sin is what's wrong with people. The Fall of Man has become more apparent these days and unfortunately all too often it is in situations like these. Don't get me wrong, I see the fall of man everyday and even in my own life, but yesterday was one of those situations that just jolts it into your mind.

This tragedy and others like it just reiterate to me how real the devil is and how SERIOUS sin is. The devil is alive and well and will use anyone or anything he can get his hands on. We indeed are in a spitiual warfare and yesterday was just more evidence of that. We as Christians need to fight everyday against sin. We need to pray for the lost. We need to go out and reach the lost. It really sucks that these kids had to suffer in this way, but I truly believe these little ones are in heaven. I can't imagine what the families of the victims are going through right now. My prayer for them is that they will turn to Christ. He is the only way they will get through this. I pray that if they don't know Him, that they will come to know Him as their Savior. I know that until Christ's return, sin and the evil it causes will always be present, but I pray that we turn back to God and that devastation like this happen less and less.

Lets continue to pray for Newton, CT and the whole world.